What a glorious day! Yes, I know it's not even 9am yet, but as all parents will appreciate, my day began 3 hours ago so I feel like I've experienced enough of the day to proclaim it glorious! Got a few chores today - firstly, a doctor's appointment for the monkey princess. She has a nasty cough and cold and although I am sure it is nothing more than that as both my husband and I have recently had colds, I want to just get it checked out. Never thought I would be the type of Mum who went running to the doctor with every childhood sniffle, but it seems to be inevitable. Secondly, I have a man coming to fix our garage door, which means I need to stay 'in' all afternoon. Think I'll try and get out into the garden - after all these months of dull darkness it seems churlish to stay indoors.
Anyway, I am currently attempting my morning cup of coffee without a chocolate biscuit. Part of me thinks 'but it's only one chocolate biscuit' and that shouldn't really be a problem. It's more the habit that is a bad thing. I want to try and get back to 'treat' food being just that. For some reason, pregnancy and having a newborn gave me license to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Not exactly eating for two, just that I saw no point in denying myself the pleasure (and for me it is a huge pleasure) of delicious food when the rest of my life was going into a tailspin. I'm aware that sounds dramatic, but pregnancy and motherhood were things I had never really thought I would experience. It's sounds odd when I say/write it but I never wanted to give birth or have a baby. But I wanted children and I wanted to be a mother, so it became a means to an end. I also had fertility issues and after trying for around 5 years we began IVF. I cannot put into words how absolutely blessed we were to be successful first time around and I had a very easy pregnancy. Labour and childbirth were not great, but are they for anyone? Despite thinking I knew what to expect and had plenty of time to prepare myself, motherhood still hit me like a sledgehammer and pride, embarrassment, whatever meant I felt I had to struggle on without asking for help. Everyone else coped, most of my friends now have two children and they didn't spend their days sobbing and not wanting to leave the house. Looking back, I wonder if I had a little more than the baby blues, but I don't know how useful labelling things is. The fact is, I struggled and I hated myself for feeling weak and unable to cope. Now things are starting to feel much easier and I feel more confident. There are still times when it feels dark and hopeless, but I now know that the feeling will pass.
Apologies for the diversion, but I think it helps explain, and for me to understand, why I feel ready and excited to start being me again, and to improve those things about me which I'm unhappy about.
And look at that, my coffee is finished and I have not ventured near the biscuit barrel. A glorious day indeed.
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